A story from the game Divinity Original Sin
This game is hilarious. There will probably be more of this.
I shall abbreviate Nasty Knight (myself) as 'NN', and Wimpy Wayfarer (my gaming partner) as 'WW'. As you might guess, I am playing a Knight, which seems kind of like a D&D warlord. My partner is playing a Wayfarer. This is a more flimsy class that heals and casts a wide variety of spells.
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NN: Where should we go next?
WW: Remember that discussion we just had less than a minute ago? You told me stronger guys should go first so that wimpy wayfarers don't get made into pincushions?
NN: Sigh. Okay, where to?
WW: I don't know, you lead! What do you want to do?
NN: Well, since you asked. I want to steal treasure from unsuspecting traders. Maybe innocent civilians too.
WW: That's not what knights do.
NN: Have you ever met a knight? It's all they do.
WW: Well, we're not thieves, so we're not going to steal.
NN: That sounds like a challenge.
Nasty Knight leads the party to a town.
NN: This looks good for thievery.
WW: Oh brother.
Wimpy Wayfarer wanders off to explore the town, and Nasty Knight shuffles surreptitiously through a barrel of goods just inside the gate. She quickly produces a cup made of solid gold from inside the barrel.
She shuffles through the crates and other barrels, but doesn't find anything particularly interesting. Meanwhile she hears shouting. It is escalating.
“STOP! THIEF!” cries a man. He's shouting at someone in the plaza.
Nasty Knight grins at her solid gold cup and tucks it gently into her travel sack. She swipes a ripe red apple from a crate, and casually bites into it as she approaches the plaza to gawk.
The merchant is shouting at Wimpy Wayfarer.
“THIEF! You're a thief! This man is a thief! Put that back! Right now!” The merchant is red in the face and gesturing at his table.
In her fascination, Nasty Knight wanders too close. Wimpy Wayfarer spots her.
“I just tried to take some nails,” Wimpy Wayfarer cries at Nasty Knight. “They were on the table. I thought it was safe.”
“This thief is trying to plead insanity!” cries the merchant. “Put those nails back! PUT THEM BACK!”
“What on earth are you doing? You said yourself you weren't a thief,” says Nasty Knight to Wimpy Wayfarer.
The merchant turns to Nasty Knight. “O holy traveller, make him return my nails!”
“But, but, I already have them. Can't I just keep them? They could be useful,” implores Wimpy Wayfarer. Nasty Knight bites loudly into her apple and stares at him.
“Good sir, I implore thee, make him hand back the nails,” says the merchant.
Nasty Knight takes her time, savoring the apple. Nothing tastes better than fresh fruit recently pilfered from a merchant's crate. “Why did you want the nails?” she finally asks.
“I don't know,” says Wimpy Wayfarer. “It's an adventure. I'll probably need them.”
Nasty Knight takes another bite of her apple as the crowd increases. She takes her time again. “Put them back,” she says simply.
Wimpy Wayfarer pulls a handful of nails out of his pocket and puts them back on the table, shamefaced.
“I demand vengeance!” shouts the merchant.
“Quiet. You have your nails,” says Nasty Knight, and grabs Wimpy Wayfarer roughly, and walks off with him.
When they round a corner she lets go.
WW: I thought we were here to steal.
NN: We were.
She grins and shows him the golden cup worth no less than 320 gold pieces.
WW: Where did you get that?!
NN: I stole it.
WW: Already?! How did you have time to do that?
She gently tucks it back into her sack, which rattles with hundreds of coins.
WW: Uggh. You stole all the gold we've found so far.
NN: It's not stealing if it costs action points to pick it up. And besides, if you want to steal more gold, you'll need to wear more armor.
WW: That's not how it works!
NN: You have some strange ideas about the world.
WW: Where are we going now?
NN: I'm looking for more things to steal.
WW: The cup worth no less than 320 gold pieces wasn't enough?
Nasty Knight silently enjoys the rest of her apple.
They come to a locked shop. “NO SQUATTERS” says the sign.
WW: Ripe for stealing! Break down the door with your mighty sword, Nasty Knight! You're well-practiced at it!
NN: This is exactly where not to steal, Wimpy Wayfarer.
WW: Break the door! Break the door! Please!
Nasty Knight walks along the street near the building, scouting it nonchalantly.
WW: Look! It has more doors! They're made to be broken.
NN: Do you want to fight the town guards?
WW: They won't come! It's abandoned.
NN: Meh. I'm leading. Let's find the wizard's tower first.
They go their separate ways for a while, searching for the wizard's tower.
Well, Nasty Knight is searching for plunder. And everything in the wizard's tower is sure to be nailed down, so...
Nasty Knight comes upon a cemetery. “Excellent,” she says to herself.
There is a stray dog in the cemetery, barking at her with purpose.
NN: You should come to the cemetery. It's ripe for mayhem, and there's a dog for you to chat with.
WW: Wow! On my way!
Nasty Knight assesses the cemetery, ignoring the dog. She knows Wimpy Wayfarer will enjoy interacting with the dog.
She eyes a shovel lying on the ground, and a very large pile of loose earth nearby.
Wimpy Wayfarer arrives, smelling foul and carrying a sack of bloody bones*. He chats with the dog. The dog speaks nonsense, for all Nasty Knight can tell.
NN: This cemetery is ripe for stealing.
WW: Let's stop stealing. We're noble adventurers.
Nasty Knight looks down at her mail armor and wonders if Wimpy Wayfarer will ever understand.
While Wimpy Wayfarer turns his back to chat with the dog, Nasty Knight strides purposefully across the cemetery, picks up the shovel, takes it to the mound, and starts digging methodically.
Meanwhile, Wimpy Wayfarer lectures about how they shouldn't be thieves. Thieving breaks immersion and such.
Nasty Knight makes agreeable noises and thinks about Robert Guiscard** while she digs into the earth behind Wimpy Wayfarer, unnoticed.
WW: So there's no point stealing or breaking things. We should read more quest text!
“Yeah, I agree, totally,” says Nasty Knight, noncommitally.
She has made a hole large enough to fit through. She can see the ground below. She jumps down into the barrow.
WW: What? We're zoning!
NN: While you were talking about how I am a thief who clicks too fast through the quest text, I dug a hole into a sacred barrow full of treasure.
WW: Oh my gods this is amazing!
NN: Yup. Now put your morals aside. These are ancient burial grounds.
*Wimpy Wayfarer informs me he robbed recently dead bodies of their bones in the mortuary while we were separated.
**If you haven't read the Alexiad, it's great stuff for adventurers!
